My life changes forever tomorrow.....

Its about 11:23 pm and in a few hours Life will change forever.  Surgery is just a few hours away.  What am I feeling?  Im laying in bed listening to some music and thinking of how the 33 years of my life have added up...  I am calm and quiet in the dark of my room....  I gave my all to the day. I lived like if today was the last day.  So much to think about...  fighting sleep.......  still have to pack pay bills and all I want to say is Fuck This......


Many things made me Happy Today.....

Hospital Update Coming Thursday Morning

Location SF General :

1001 Potrero Ave, San Francisco, CA 94110 (415) 206-8000

Length Stay: TBA

Room: TBA

Visitation Hours: TBA

Results of Surgery: TBA

Return Home: TBA

The Maharaja's Private Den....... By Vanesa Naylon

I like this picture of me......

Photo: Michael Mason

One day I will get to sing this.........

To be a daddy........  The best thing that could happen to a man....
Things to think about why I want to live........
Daydreaming about the future......

The Fabel of the Rope

I have been contemplating so much the abstract notion of the sate of health and how delicate fragile and perfect it is when it goes according to plan.  My new insight has taken me to look at things in a figurative manner in order to handle this situation.

We don't notice bout our lives are like a piece of rope bound tightly and naturally and firmly at birth.  If we are fortunate enough we are born with a perfect piece made up of 3 separate strands

1. The Conscious-  Me you in the present
2. The Body-  The physical vessel we are put in that cannot be replaced
3. The Subconscious- The inner voice that controls our mind and the part that processes the abstract

All these elements make you as a whole.  Perfectly balanced these elements are bound together to create a strong sense of self, enabling us to be prepared for the tugs and knots and binding necessary to navigate through the challenges called life ....

Then the compromise to health happens ..............  You become unwound the 3 elements split and you realize they are there own separate states of existence and this becomes an overwhelming state of realization to be in.  Now you know the hard truth and you cannot bind the rope back to its natural state.  Panic kicks in how do you deal with this that inside of you are 3 separate elements that live within and are there own beings.....   So much in the head......

Beautiful song.......

Wish Everything Was Back To Normal

Sunday: 2 weeks and my life changes forever.
Feeling a bit disconnected.....

To my friend Peter Gronquist

It was just a dinner.....
to celebrate just a small moment in this fabric called life
two old friends sitting at a table
looking back into our lives
and seeing how far we had walked forward and the directions life has taken us

to see you again
to tell you of the mountain that lay in my path
and the mountain I am about to climb

to see your eyes
to see my friend
as time keeps on pushing forward
3 candles to celebrate
the past the present and the future to be

two old friends sitting at a table
I say to you
thank you

Today.... Im not feeling well

My body is not feeling well today.......
Its small but its enough for me to realize that I need to be strong and push on forward its a tiny taste of whats to come but I have to remind myself that I have to remain in the moment and that, this too will pass. I have to try to make even the tough days as normal as they can be.......

Surgery Date is set May 1st
will be in Sf general for a week
Surgery will be 6-8 hours

My Surgeon will be Dr. Marika Russel
http://ohns.ucsf.edu/?q=user/21

Life begins all over again.......... in a less than 3 weeks..

A Recap about yesterday.....

Yesterday was a tough day emotionally....  Yes I am strong and conscious and my body is still feeling normal but my unconscious side is starting to really play some surreal scenarios in my head.  As an artist this part of me has always been reserved to feed abstract thought and feed creativity.  But now It seems to have been feeding anxiety.

It's not like I choose to turn it on it just takes over....  Im learning to filter out comments from people.  In the processes of this "cancer" my mind has developed a very defined sensitivity to unbalanced energy from people.  Its like it heightens you ability not to be around it like a protection.....

After work I just walked and walked all over the city to let some of this out.....

In the end I was abel to meet up with someone my age that is going through the same thing and then I did not feel so alone... Inside my own body....

TALK WITH THE SURGEON TODAY AT 1PM..... Should be like this RIGHT?

Music is so important to me.....

Sometimes I run out of what I can say but then music comes in and calms the newly discovered unknown......

Let it out the universe listens...........

Today..... spring rolls forward so beautifully and yet I seem to be 2 steeps behind......  Trying hard to catch up....... and bask in the Sun and return to back to when everything was calm.......

Photo that made me think.......

Find a balance Robert......

Today Im thinking allot about how life really has fine strings connected to you and your actions and interaction with the world.  Sometimes those situations have a fine line that carry further off into the future than you realize....   A simple "thank you" note had a silver string that carried off into the future 4 years later that bound the relationship with another person that gave me answers that could save my life...  A simple card of gratitude was so important in the fabric of my life story.......  I still ponder how important it is to be aware of our actions.......  Thinking so much lately again.......  I will get through this and come out as an amazing human being on the other end.

Today I meet with the Surgeon........

So many questions to ask.......  Im thankful that I have had lots of medical feed back.... Thank you, Dr. Sonja Moelleken, Dr. Beth Kaplan, Dr. Ken Rosenbaum , Dr Monty Dunn for giving me insight on the questions to ask.....  Thank you I feel empowered that i will know what answers to get......   Facing this part with education and courage.....  I hope my doctor is amazing....

Soundtrack that I am feeling today.....

Current Song I am feeling

Curent mood.....

Disassociated from my body Today......

How this whole thing started.......

How this whole thing started.......  Its kinda strange how things happen in life.  Right now I have been contemplating how things seem to have been lined up for me to be abel to deal with this situation.  The biggest lesson has been how situations have a lasting trail that sometimes drift further into the future and can have a big impact in your life in the future.

    I want to thank Dr. Sonja Moeleken for really saving me from a bigger disaster.  To you I will always have a place of gratitude and respect in my heart.

Four years ago I was given a gift card during xmas by Sonja for a small thank you for just being that smile throughout the year when she came to play tennis.  I naturally thanked her and made her a Special Thank You card and mailed it to her.  Little did I know that act of kindness was going to trail into the future four years later and save me.  She was very grateful for the card and said it was beautiful,  I told her I was an artist and taught art.  She said thats wonderful come teach my daughter and so for 4 years I have been teaching her kids and have had the family become part of my life...

About December I began to fill a small sting on the lower left side of my neck randomly when I would talk.  This would not happen all the time maybe 2-4 times a day.  It was small enough for me to ignore and think it was just a small bug that  I picked up at work.  January came and went and the small sting was still there other stresses came into my life and I was pushing the small pinch off like it was nothing...  By the end of February I knew something was not right.  I went to teach and had pushed the small pinch aside and said nothing of it.  Sonja's house keeper noticed something was off and mentioned in spanish that "What is wrong? Something dose not look right."   I went upstairs to teach and that was enough to put a seed of concern in my head.  After class I went downstairs and asked.  I explained to her that I had had a cyst on my thyroid......  She took a look and was come into my office tomorrow for a MRI and a Ultra Sound of you neck.....  Thats when the house of cards began to fall....

So cancer decided to make a house in me......

So here we go on a life changing journey.  My name is Robert I am a 33 year old Artist that is going to document my journey with cancer using this blog.  I am not the best writer, but Im good with visual imagery and some story telling on how I am dealing with this life challenging journey....